Thursday, June 14, 2012

i have changed. time has passed. the trickling madness still exist. i am dying. my body is dying. not long more to live. i know cuz the pain is coming to me bit by bit slowly eating me up. kidneys, liver, intestines. they are all failing. i live. i still live. but is that all there is to it? i do not know. it is not easy to just try and live. i have let madness take over me once. i finally broke away. but i know i do not have long to live still. my body is too damaged. it is going to be too late to stop it anymore. i knew i was going to die. very long ago too. back when i 1st had my overdose. i know it is too late for me now. i may not have that same madness that i had in 2009.i broke out of that madness when i left them. i had to. to leave all the people that cares and cared. that was the price . thanks to that i had a peace of mind. for what that was many merged to be whole again. at the deal that i am not allowed to go back. the rule set by self to not break my mind again. it is psychological. i know. but i can't help it. it is rules that is set up so that i can obey. the only rules that i can follow and my mind follows to its end and it wont stop itself from stopping to prevent all that. i have not much a choice but to follow it now. it is too late. the price to pay is too high. just too high.

this pain is killing me.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

this is by my bro, the owner of this blog. saw his tucked away will about this in his old phone. because he is dead. dead last week. "to those who still reads here, good bye. haha. finally. i am gone. happy now? how corrupting i am. i am done with everything now. cuz i am not around i cant do anything else already. haha. try me folks. you cant do anything to me anyway any more. to those who tried to convince me, too bad that you failed. to those that cared, yes i am done with everything already. i will not be able top toy with people's heart and mind already. byee byee"
i guess this blog is officially closed with the owner gone already.

this pain is killing me.

Monday, June 29, 2009

tick tock. how many more days. i am not sure now. i need a good rest. a long long rest.

this pain is killing me.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

i cant live without fear anymore. it is hand. really hard. having to lose all my friends. one by one. group by group. i keep losing them. to stop myself from losing my sanity. or am i using that as a excuse to destroy people? i can't tell. or at least i do not want to know. because i already know the answers to everything that i will do. h am causing much problems to people but my mind cant work well anymore. suicide seems fine. killing seems fine. slaughter seems fine. destroying people's way of life seems fine. i cant take it. my headache. of this all. i cant take it. i rather kill than live in pain. although this pain is what that keeps me alive. i made so many wrong choice. but those that knows and understand lets it be. i cant take it. i just cant. it really hurts. i am the fear i fear. it is my madness. my own uncertainty. my uncertainty is my madness. i cant take it. if i am gone . if i die i do not mind . because i made that choice. i already know the consequence. if you people think i have not thought hard enough, then in a way you are wrong. because o made enough choice to say this is the fastest and simplest. although this is the most painful. i did it with guilt i cannot say. it just hurts a lot. i hate sins. it shows the demon inside of people. i see these demons. the size tells of their amount of sin in them. i cant see mine. but i know how big it is for me. my evil is not one but many. i see a rat, a fox, a wolf, a fist and so many in my mind. my inner demons. those shapes. cant explain it. i am tired of it. tired of faking. tired of being me. i do not really care anymore. making that decision seems fine to me. though it will hurt you more than it hurt me. i wonder who will come on that day. make me a list and send me one copy. i want to see how many i have touched. this list is strictly for those who know me and have talked to me before and not anyone who was just told to do that*note to vibrant people especially* i do not want to see a i have not met you or talked to you b4 that kinda crap again. i do not really care if you do. but that list, must not contain any that i do not know. i just wanna know how many .for there is so much that i can do but i did not do and chose not to do. i took too long for so many things. it is just too late. i am not suicidal. just plainly lost hope on all life while faking everything.

this pain is killing me.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

hi people ... by the time u see this... i am dead already

this pain is killing me.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

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this pain is killing me.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

bah.... should i do it before or should i do it after? i wonder how many will come? it is interesting though... cause i enjoy the upcoming thoughts... for afterall... it is madness ...

this pain is killing me.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

i changed my mind... i am liking someone else now... yea... i am announcing it here... i could not decide it previously... but now i have decided it to be her of the 2 of them... you can say i am doing something impossible... she does not want to be in a relationship yet... that sucks... but i will try... she is younger and the thinking is always like that...she keeps trying to get me off... good thing she is not telling me who the other guy is...some how.. i am relieved... because she does not hate me... and she make me feel normal... i am paranoid over people's opinions about me ... owell... taking things one step at a time now....

this pain is killing me.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Yesterday we saw a pod that was in less of a hurry. One of the whales, probably an adult female, was lolling in front of us. I wanted her to know we were there, so I tossed a snowball out to her. My throw was off: it tapped her on the side, and the dry snow vaporized with a muffled “pat.” In response, she hesitated, and then, to my surprise, she started pushing around a piece of ice that was a couple of feet across. At one point she flicked it with the end of her snout, and it broke in two. She disappeared for a minute and brought back a replacement chunk of ice — about the size of a volleyball. This time, when she arched her head back and snapped it forward, the ice flew out of the water and several feet ahead. For five minutes she motored around the small pond in front of us, repeatedly launching her ball of ice, before she lost interest and went on her way. I had to wonder: Did I just show a killer whale how to throw snowballs?

http://www.livescience.com/animals/090206-nhm-killer-whale-snowball.html

this feels really like a part out of a sci-fi~

this pain is killing me.

Monday, February 9, 2009

i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am going insane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am believe i am the sanest man i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am surely sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i must be sane i am sane i am still sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sure i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i have to be sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane time will tell that i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane i am sane

this pain is killing me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

this is the place where i let myself read my stuff even when i do not remember it anymore. i am not who i am before. i am turning savage. into a beast. haha. lets just say. the power of will is amazing. all u need to do is just believe. i create myself after all. i convinced myself of so many thing. it is just a matter of time till i convince myself i die. all i need to do is just think. killing myself with thoughts. i am attention seeking. i am useless. i do nothing. i am evil. i just need to say that more.i just need to keep saying things. i will survive. i will not go insane. i will not die. just keep repeating them. and it will happen. but we cannot prevent the inevitable.i will end what that i create. hate me. i want u to hate me. i want all to hate me. so that it wont hurt so much. hate makes people numb to many things. hate the enemy. that is what many say when at war. where guilt and conscience does not affect them like this. so hate me. hate me so that it wont hurt. hate me so that u can laugh when i die. all u need to do is just hate. hate me for all the things i have done and hate me for all the things that i can do to you .hate me so u can finally see what is good for u. to be free of this pain i will inflict. just hate me and it wont hurt as much.

this pain is killing me.

Monday, January 19, 2009

i will make everyone hate me. it will make things faster. it should work out with no problem. but i do hope the one reading this is the one i wish would be the one that read. but that is not likely. so tick ... tock ... tick ... tock ... time is running out ppl ... seek me if u want... seek me if u dare...

this pain is killing me.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

the ans is so simple that i seek ... mercy's last msg ... that was the ans... jolynn ... the reason was the same as well...the ans has always been the same and will always be the same... but i am a little too tired of seeking it. and i am turning it into a game and into a joke.not right anymore. i dun think i can be correct on what i am doing. but those i want to seek. they are not around.because i do not want and u do not know that.

this pain is killing me.

Monday, January 12, 2009

it is really worrying.. i am still acting normal and doing what i used to do. but now it seems like my suicidal thoughts is just coming and not leaving me alone. those i want to hear from the most speak not to me. those that i want to be scold me does not know that i want that. those i cant leave behind are ignorant of this. the time is coming. the urge to jump off a build is getting stronger. the urge to stab myself is also getting stronger... the urge to die keeps getting stronger. can i hold off till after the camp even? i am barely holding my tots together now even... time is running out....

this pain is killing me.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

you know.... madness hurts.. not that i can show much of it anymore
spurt of moment actions. that is what i am now doing. time is ticking i can say.. soon it will be all done for me... haha... i have already decided to end everything soon.... even though i am going to get some counseling soon... but 1-2 times at most... and i will end everything. because i am tired of this work. i will give everyone a chance to convince me not. since that thought is already in my mind... i cant change that in myself. i have to let someone else do it. i am tired.there is barely any me left... i am responding. just like a machine... i mean... i feel like a machine. u talk i listen i respond.action and respond that is all... i am tired... i am tired of this... because i have become detached to almost everything i just do things. i dun think things. i want the past but i hate the past. i need to be reborn. that is what i believe. i need to lose my memories and my mind. and relearn everything. i ... want to be normal... i want be just a like a normal guy... soccer, sports, games, motivated, friends, childhood and family. i can say one more thing. home is not a home when there is nothing you treasure there.

this pain is killing me.

Friday, January 2, 2009

i am starting to itch for meat again... human meat... yes... really.. i right now want to eat human meat...

this pain is killing me.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

i just wanna ask... is it worth it talking to the dead?

this pain is killing me.

Friday, December 26, 2008

this pain is killing me.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

this blog no longer has visitors rite?

this pain is killing me.

Monday, December 15, 2008

in my mind. i see me... but i look again... the me you know the nice guy . behind it ... there is another me... when i am with no one, i am that me. when i am talking to someone. i am the me you know.the me i do not show... the evil side of me. the one that holds the pains in my heart. the one that usually do the thinking. the nice guy side of me. i do not use it to do much of thinking. the evil side of me. i think of probabilities, the odds, and many things that give me the best position. calculated risk, best profit, better to fail or pass, is it worth it? i keep doing that. now it is too late for me to change for i have already forgotten how. or at least the ability to do that is no longer able to be done. because all these actions are already set in motion where all actions are calculated. where all possible situation have been considered. where what others can think of have already been thought of. counter measures, preventive measures and all other ideas, i have considered and isolated myself from it so that they do not affect me in anyway. but every man's heart has a loophole. provoke me if you want. just try making me come out of my comfort zone. i wont stop you. because nothing will change even if you do. because i deem it so... but you can still try... hahah ...

this pain is killing me.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

interesting thought... i was looking through my stuff.. then saw my game boy color ... yes COLOR... since it is years since i touched it ... i went to see if it works... and it still does... hmm... 8 years already... time sure flies... 8 years fly by so fast... i had it since pri 4 and now it still works.... haha ...

this pain is killing me.

Friday, December 12, 2008

endless stories i have told. countless built on lies and made of lies.... so many of half truth and white lies... the mind is such a fragile thing. so easy to change so easy to corrupt. so easy to manipulate. my mind is such as a tool. used to create things it was not made for.. now it falls . towards the endless chasm that i have made. now it is my turn to change the things. so that when i am gone... it will all be fine... remember ... hate me... for my hating me... my departure would not have hurt as much... so that i will live in you heart... for hate is the easiest to get into someone and hard to leave... so hate me ... this is my last resort afterall.





who are you to ask me if i am wrong?give me a good reason to not lie? give me something that i can value. give me ... hope.

this pain is killing me.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

i am doing a little bit of spam... yea... hahah ... gimme a good story... gimme a good book.... i cant live without story books... i give myself a obsession ... i can last with a obsession... but fuel my obsession... i am running out of books...

this pain is killing me.

jie .... so many times i want to talk to you but so many times you are going to your hubby's place... want to talk to you but you are so happy... you are happy... but you do not know that i am suffering at that very moment... i have to smile at you to show you to not spoil you mood ... you know... that sucks... i want to be comforted only to know you are not even worried and in a good mood instead... it hurts... baka... TT_TT i had to comport you even when i wanted to be comforted... i am a good bro but you are not a good jie... i am struggling to have you like this... grow up plz...

this pain is killing me.

doctors are useless u say...i do not want to argue with Daniel.seeing the doctors is pointless. that is what you say. have have you seen what is the whole point in seeing doctors for these conditions?it is not cure. it is elevation of the problem. it does not solve. but it helps. it help.. but even so. those that know what i can do and might do, i will do it. you may think i am lying but i am not. i made that choice that many months back... faith... faith... you were the only one i remembered replying with concern. maybe because you were the only one i really cared much about. i do not really care now about that anyway. because i have my plans already. just a while more only to go. in this world, i am not much trusted by the ppl i know. or at least, not trusted by those people i want to be trusted by. it sucks .... not much of friend from the same age i can relate to. i belong to everywhere but in reality i am no where. i make parties, friends, ppl to laugh with. but none will remember but a a friend that made a good laugh. i distanced myself now, look at me. i have lost what i have wanted. i no longer have what i want. my stupidity have turned me into a almost useless person now. it is a sad fate that i gave myself. the fate that i show myself. not looking at my own beautiful world i truly live in. i can see my world . i know i am lying to myself. i can SEE it. i know it. because i asked and have been ask at myself, have you not seen how nice the world is around you? i am turning a blind eye to the world after all. i do not really care . i have my own reasons. some of you know what is the reasons.i do not care. i chose to let its end come the way you see it. what that will come to pas will come to pass... agony's best cure is release after all. what i seek will come in time. at the time i want according to the way i want. because i already made my choice. Come and find me in my death

this pain is killing me.

yawns... how many of you are reading this... sadly... you ppl wont understand y i am doing this... yea... cuz you are not me... because i overburdened myself with my thoughts and that was my downfall the moment i stop thinking i slip into a depressed state of mind. when thinking i slip into a alert state and respond to stimuli... the emotions... i am no longer me ... or at least ... the me that you know already.. i can still laugh like i used to... make jokes like i used to... but that is just muscle memory... i no longer think about those stuff already... because my mind is hardly there now... the only time i am thinking is when i am doing this... in lesson? not even when the topic interest me... i forget them the moment i let go of that thought... i am not lasting long enough now a days... it sucks...i rather die than slip into a even worse state....

this pain is killing me.

social norm... i rejected social norm... it restricted me... i could not do many things... because i could not do things properly... i bring fear right? your are afraid right? just by reading my post right? i am tried already.... i am done with it... i am sick of it... i have become a scavenger... a survivor that does not belong here... something is wrong with me... and i belief i made it too late to help myself... and also made it very hard for others to change me... tell me a way to change myself then... lets see if i have done that before... if i have not .... then there maybe still hope..

this pain is killing me.

a rude awakening ... you can call it like that... sadly... i have already chosen this path... i dun thing i can get out of this chain of thought... unless someone takes action... like she did one in the past where i raged at her instead over it. i wonder... will she do it again... if she does.. there there will be hope... but she ... mostly likely wont... so much for scars in the mind that changes people even when they do not notice it... and by the time they notice it ... it will be all over...

suddenly thinking about this guy cal chris ong... he once had a talk with me... thanks to Damien... in turn thanks to the trio... about that talk... you talk about satanist... u talked about how it was not real... i looked at it... do you know i was laughing the whole time when we were having that conversation. because it was so easy to lie to you ... i have a innocent face rite? haha... because i grew up to have to show that face... while during all these time my insides turn rotten... i dun pray to the devil... i dun pray to god... i pray to be free... to return to the truth... haha the truth i know... is that death is eternal... though it hurts others more than it hurts you .... their pain last but yours is a moment only...


papa roach last resort.(just happen to come up my list when i was about to post this) it really fits... it really does...

Last Resort :
Cut my life into pieces This is my last resort, suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding
this is my last resort
Cut my life into pieces I've reached my last resort,
suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding
do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight, chance are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
and I'm contemplating suicide

Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin

It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying I'm crying I'm crying I'm crying

Cut my life into pieces this is my last resort
suffocation, no breathing,
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight, chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
losing my sight losing my mind
wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I cant go on living this way
cant go on, living this way, nothings all……… right.

this pain is killing me.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

i swear i will commit suicide... try changing it... not faith ... not dorcas ... not mei yu... notjolynn ... not jie ... nor mercy(due to daniel){hahah}... i bear grudge...... i like control... i cant let go of my pride... remember... never let darkness control your heart... not even let the thought come to you. for even the very thought counts...i am kind and yet i am evil... the very contradicting thing about me that is...a kind demon... haha... .. a long story afterall... or at least... i make it a long story in my mind...

this pain is killing me.

new addition to the family? mei yu... haha
so the list now is
dorcas-ignored
deborah-still quite close
rui qi-ignoring me
mercy-trying to make her give up
mei yu - time to have some fun again?
the rest? not as important or at least not remembering to add u into it....
the day is coming nearer... are you gonna do anything about it?
there is a rude awakening... i do not want my wrath to come out from my emotions... i wonder.... who else wants to know the story...who i am in your ememory... and who i am now... is totally different... it really is hard and it is getting harder to show the emotions that i used to show.... i am slowly turning into a demon that i ... dread... i will die smiling ...

this pain is killing me.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

i have my stories to tell. many things i want to say. but the path i chose is something i chose a long time ago... i seem normal... i am trying to make everyone hate me now... a must.... so that i can live and be free. it may hurt but i have to do it... because the path i chose is best left is solitude.being alone is something i have to be. ... hmmm a break~ met sherlyn at lib ... pon school mah...
hahah ... back to what i was saying... solitude. because i tend to make myself unwelcomed. i must ... to end everything... i must... even though is is a sad thing to do, i must. who will cry? who will feel sad? who will laugh? who will laugh in a funeral ... haha
but i want to see who will... at least... make a good joke ... laugh across this pain.... i have chosen to do that ... will you do that? come on ... LAUGH!. dun worry it will be all over soon... there is more that meets the eye usually.... but this time... i really want to end it and die... dun ask me y ... i am just too bored with life... it suck when you have already planned it all out and all the entertainment you get is now to read books... started with books and ended with books not so much of fun in the end .... life gets boring and that really sucks.... i am blind, deaf and numb to many things now.... it really gets boring. cannot feel pain... forgets how to feel emotions ... blocked my mind of it... what is the point of believing in god when i am going to hell anyway... hellfire brimstone may be the only thing that can interest me now... feed me emotions ... before i forget everything... all things sped up ever since i felt something snapped in my brain and left brain to that... sometimes you have to understand things dun go the way you want it.. and also .... i stress another point.... things dun appear they way they are. there are hidden meanings behind most of my hidden meanings when i say things. i will say i am fine when you ask me how are you. or i will point at myself and say ... well ... i am here ... when i say i am fine it means no changes from past. when point at myself it meant that i have the thoughts but i have not yet done them when you were talking to me.... when i answer some other things i am trying to keep my mind occupied with things i am thinking and do not want to change that though so that i wont lose those memories. i have come across so many things in life that i hate that i can change but not able to do so. so many ... it is just if only i spoke.... the blessing of being able to watch ppl and know who they are by 1st glance. see their character. what they can do everything. see what kind of person, see what type of job range i can see all these ... but i can do nothing to change it.... i have limited ability to change them. i am limited to be only just there to guild them. but is it boring. i need my entertainment ... or at least... i need my reasons... reasons that make me smile. i keep saying i am bored. because i am running of reasons to smile. i keep asking about the dying ... i just keep asking... yes i am suicidal. a release that hurts others more than it hurts me.. a moment of pain and others in agony of eternity. i have chosen that path because i can only have that path because i am already sick of this world... but in this world.. i am a kid... 18... still a kid... i have been evaluation myself ... i am 11-13 ... i am 18 now rite... but that does not could when u unwind yourself wrom the time your heart died... my heart died when i was pri 2 if you were to see.. my records... chinese went down at pri 3 ... i did not hand up home work .. i hated chinese ... the one that killed my heart... whose pride was teaching me chinese ... i screwed it up because i did not like that person. that person did not understand that i keep dwelling in the past... because of that incident . the incident where i want to hear a ernest sorrow for the torture i had to go through ... but unable to get. because that person chose to not remember anything of the past. i started stealing at pri 4 because the money was too little... because that person who gave me said you only need this much for you meals you dun need to go out with your friend and waste money. your grades are dropping and you should not go out. no money , no friend and no freedom... so many years .... tears does not work... that person never experienced these kind of pain so how can that person know. that person is never wrong for that person grew up grew up with pride and cannot be changed by meer words of mine or anyone for that person never knows that of being wrong. back to the story, stealing... for pride, to show off to hide the farce that i am just like a geek... a nerd. a nice guy... had to change. it all started with the mind. training the mind. i managed to do that... you know... commonly know as self hypno ... except i do do the pendulum just kept repeating things to myself. my bipolar disorder came about around pri 5-6 too ... i more or less could control it . since... if i believe it ... then it can happen. it is just a matter of time... thanks to MR lim ... science became a breeze... although i have to thank shawn too ... he lent me his science wb that help a lot cheating and having fun throught the otherwise boring school days. sec school was the same except i stole more... stole money to spend ... to get my little joys... to see some smiles.. haha... yea... no one smiles like her... the last innocence that i saw ... she sure knocked out many guys... haha .. she blushes when i last said it on her birthday ... those good times are gone... sec end i tried to commit suicide ... but i was a coward .... i backed out upon hearing him ask... he even cried.. i was touched but at the same time feeling very empty. i was a average guy. to make myself seem smarter , i read more than others, i studied ways to learn faster. i learn to do things differently. a unique system that only i can use or at least very little people around me can use.why do you think i can slack so much and still score not bad. that is because i did that. sec school all the way... just keep getting worse. for i knew yet not use ... now my brain has regressed... getting weaker... not good anymore... just give me a moment... it will all end... aggressive impulses, irrational thinking they all tell me i am not able to last my sanity ... rather than living insane ... i rather die... just let me die... will you allow? no right... that is y ... i leave it all to the time to see when to leave... so that no one can stop me when i do that... haha .. no one can change it.... unless you lock me up.

this pain is killing me.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

it will be done soon... it will be over soon.... just give me a while longer...

this pain is killing me.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

it is the time of the dying... come find me... for the time is coming nearer and near....

this pain is killing me.

Monday, December 1, 2008

mercy, here is wat u want, i am too lazy to mail it. answer those questions

anyone is allowed to answer to them.

Killing is a way to live. The bible had many killers, the times where god kills and not convert, the holy wars, persecutions of sinners and the death of people because he cannot stand the sight of them. Y did he allow such a thing as killing occur?

If he is justice, is genocide an option to show that? (Noah’s ark)

If he created only 1 man and woman and no other, where did his sons’ wives come from? Even more creations of his?

If he made only Jews, where did all the none Jews come from, imitations of gods creation by the devil?

if god really allowed the devil to do that, why?

Adam and eve sin because god did not watch them when it happened. If he is omnipresent and omnipotent, then how did he not see them sin?

If he was not watching, was it because there are more than one world that he observe?

Are we just one of his other play toys?

If he really want to save us, how many does he want to save?

How big is heaven?

If he wants people to be in heaven, how many?

Since the time of Adam, more than trillions of trillions of people have been saved and still counting. when does he want to stop?

What is the day of the coming?

The number 666, is found to be better said as 616 in the bible, many source have proven that. and that is useless as a prophecy. Why do people still believe in it now and think that it will come what is is already long over?

If there were to be another world, god’s words will be debunked. And if it really is, wont god be fake and everyone has been living a lie?

If there is no Christianity, the world will not function as well. Which will be the dominating religion?

Christianity is not the answer, god is. Does that mean all religion points to god?

If all religion points to god, wont we be just going into a being called truth?

What will it be like if there is just truth and no god and truth is harsh/ evil?

Is killing a sin? Then killing sinners makes u a sinner too? But god will forgive right? How many times will he forgive? If he is merciful, killing would not even occur. But why does he allow that? Because we are the ones making the mistake? Because we will sin? Then y create those sinners in the 1st place? Then why allow the root of evil to exist in the 1st place? Because he believes that they will be given salvation in time?

Why is it that god made beings that can hurt us when he wants us to do well?

What happens to man who are blinded by worldly matters and possession?

When 3 or more are gathered in the name of god is the place where churches stand. It is something simple but why is that people demand more and more of mundane things that they call as a need?

If the devil’s influence is strong, how much of the world is influenced?

this pain is killing me.

i am hungry for some human meat. i am hungry for it. thirsty for blood. i can imagine it. my body is squirming for it. i feel like tattooing my face. tribal. i am turning into a demon. hateful and prideful. changing everything about me and moving things to my will. the ability to corrupt is coming out already. a thing called sublime persuasion. i am doing that. it will some soon. my end that it ... the ending that i chose so long ago... meet me pls... everyone ... for it will be here soon. i want it to end ... this year.

this pain is killing me.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

COMPLAINT

life sucks dying seems easier

this pain is killing me.

Monday, November 24, 2008

One Republic
Mercy lyrics

Angel of mercy
How did you find me?
Where did you read my story?
Pulled from the papers
Desperate and hardened
Seeking a momentary fix

All I wanted to say
All I wanted to do
Is fall apart now
All I wanted to feel
I wanted to love
It's all my fault now
A tragedy I fear

Angel of mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you
Whoa Whoa Whoa
I feel you
Whoa Whoa Whoa

'Foretress the daylight
Come and I stand by
Waiting to catch the quickest plane
Fly me to nowhere
Is better than somewhere
That's where I've been and nothings changed

All I wanted to say
All I wanted to do
Is fall apart now
All I wanted to feel
I wanted to love
It's all my fault now
A tragedy for sure

Angel of mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you
Whoa Whoa Whoa
I feel you
Whoa Whoa Whoa

I'm so lost in you
A tragedy seemed to be over now, oh now
A tragedy it seemed to be over now

Angel of mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you
Whoa whoa whoa
I feel you
Whoa whoa whoa
I feel you
Oh Whoa whoa whoa
I feel you
Oh Oh Oh



faith... if only you see this... i think you will understand y i put this here.... the some parts that i want ppl to hear... but no one will hear it... for everyone does not understand it ... i hope you will... i hope anyone that reads it will understand what i truly mean......

this pain is killing me.

The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.

this pain is killing me.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

waa... rui qi.. smart arh...block and remove from msn, friendster and your blog hor... haiz... i can see all these de... i got nothing to say... haha ...
just a while more only ... haha ... everything will end... faith .. you understand what i mean hor...
dorcas ... i know you are not readying this when i type it... but who cares... dun forget what i have foretold to you. but i think you already forgot... mercy ... nice knowing you lah ... keep pushing me to go church ... haha ... wo pian pian bu yao leh...


yawns... i dun really care lah... those that know the meaning behind these words please tell me ... it will end soon... please do tell me and not ask why ...

dun worry everyone ... it will happen really soon.... really really soon ...

this pain is killing me.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

IT IS TWISTING PAIN...
THE SWEET AGONY...
THE TORTUROUS PLEASURE...
GIVE IT TO ME !!!!
HOW I HUNGER OF IT. THE TIME IS TICKING. YOU THE ONE I WILL WANT. COME AND FIND ME...IF YOU REMEMBER WHAT I HAVE SAID THEN U UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT IS REALLY GOING ON. FIND ME. YOU KNOW WHERE I AM. IT IS JUST, DO YOU DARE?

COME SEEK ME I AM WAITING FOR YOU EACH TIME IT COMES IT GETS WORSE... YOU WANT TO STOP IT? TRY IT ALL YOU LIKE. MAKE ME HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART ... SO MANY OF YOU THAT KNOWS. YET NONE WILL ACT. Y? BECAUSE U THINK SOME ONE WILL? BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW? COMON YOU HAVE GOD RIGHT? HE WILL TELL YOU HOW. GO AHEAD. ASK HIM TO HEAL ME. CAN'T DO THAT ?? AWWW ... CUZ HE DOES NOT EXIST. I AM A DEMON AFTER ALL COME SEEK ME AND KILL ME . I AWAIT IT.



.TAHT YB NAEM I TAHW DNATSREDNU LLIW UOY YLNO, UOY KNIHT I .ESREVER NI SI LLA TAHT REBMEMER EREH DIAS SI TAHT LLA .SIHT DAER NAC UOY WONK I HTIAF

this pain is killing me.

damn ... it is coming again... another attack of bipolar (mania) that knife i see again... i must resist temptations. i MUST.

this pain is killing me.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

this pain is killing me.

Can I Borrow $25?
> >
> >
> > A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
> >
> > SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'
> >
> > DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.
> >
> > SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'
> >
> > DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the man said angrily.
> >
> > SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'
> >
> > DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'
> >
> > SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.
> >
> > SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'
> >
> > The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.'
> >
> > The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
> >
> > The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
> >
> > After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down , and started to think:
> >
> > Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.
> >
> > 'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.
> >
> > 'No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.
> >
> > 'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'
> >
> > The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
> >
> > The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
> >
> > The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.
> >
> > 'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.
> >
> > 'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.
> >
> > 'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to
> >
> > have dinner with you.'
> >
> > The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.
> >
> > It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.
> >
> > If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

this pain is killing me.

Monday, November 3, 2008

pissed off now... sian ... the habit just does not die off ... i am worried about some ppl and some things. the feeling of unrest just does not leave me. it really sucks. it is getting so sickening. i cant control what that is supposed to happen to me.i have changed. really hanged. winter.... you are trying to change me.. my outfit and stuff terry too ... but i wont let you ppl change it. i hate it.... the way i am ... even i dun care anymore... because i gave up. to give up means i dun care ... and it just irritates me on who cares about it. i know you ppl will get hurt in time by it... i will be the cause of it... cuz i will do it. that is while i am still able to be nice to you. to the rst i dunno. i reject ppl just by a little grudge... i am a grudge bearing type. i bear grudges on even small details. though i try to be nice even on those occasions ... i will act nice even if i am fucking pissed with you. but either way.. the mask i wear ... this half poker face i have.... if you can break this mask or even crack it.. i will be more that happy to see you try... cuz i willl have a surprise for you if you can do that.

this pain is killing me.

ok just want to emo here a little...

time is passing fast.... i am tied down by my past....
my tears run dry but i really want to cry.
1 day without you is 24hours missing you,1440 minutes thinking of you and 86400 seconds longing for you. and yes i am greedy. to have no luck in things.i cannot stand being alone.(now u understand y i flirt a lot ?) i really want your touch... hmmm ... jie ... u will be mad again? i think u will ... but i think i will give u a punch on the face still... hahah good thing i not one of your bfs ... so many ... 1 in sg 1 sweden 1 in holand 1 in amsterdam ... good thing you are not reading this and i wont tell u about this anyway... ok i am typing what that comes to my mind now actually... to really count my friends... i really have none... it hurts to say... but just plains friends i have many... friends i can call out to meet and chat i only have jie... my lack of social skill really sucks... i am good with 1st impressions but the next few meetings i suck at it really...my uniqueness really makes things different for me. friends and family... i have none... cuz no one is ever free for me to even chat with when i need it.... those that are reading this... i think it is only the wrs gals only. so i will say this... i treat u ppl like little gals... cuz i envy your youth, friends and childhood.... i act funy i act stupid i act idotic i act smart... all because i learnt ... knowledge is power... i became different i became lonely... i never have any friends... beause everywhere i go i am called wierd. i am an oddity an oddball . it is really sad that i am like that.. joker, sadist, prankster,etc i made myself like this to make friends... but when i am no longr funny, i am just another guy.

this pain is killing me.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

erratic behavior. signs of mental regression. i need my anchors... or i may really lose myself. i have already lost much of myself these few day. ever since that jolt of pain that made me feel so giddy and feel as if i am hemorrhaging i my head. memories are tricking away... i am now rotting away in very much sense. studies does not matter anymore. nothing really matters now. given that i cannot remember what i am doing, so detached and no longer there just like a puppet .i am losing my will to live... i am losing my reason to live... i am losing my everything. i need my assurance ... i am already losing my empathy . my ability to care for others. i need my company to tell me i am here... for given the current me, i dun feel anything already. i am supposed to smile now, i am supposed to laugh now. i have to tell myself to do those things now. because i cannot feel them anymore.i dun feel a thing already. and as for y i want so many gfs... because they wont last... my mind is too far gone to even make conversations last already. everyone starts to call me weird... different from last time. but i cant help to change it. i lack the will to do that already. i already lost the will to live... how can i have the will still to change myself.... people cannot comprehend what i do. i cannot blame them. dun worry ... i will start to server ties. just who should i start with?


dorcas ... how i wish u are reading this... but i know you are not... because you never come here... you have not... only during the time i tell you to then you come. you are worried but do not know what to do... just dun do a thing. it will be easier... i am already to far gone.

faith... haha ... you dun come online even... how will you even read this that i am gonna type over here... you know i like you ... and i still do... y? cuz if i let go of that thought, i will lose that anchor of my life that keeps me alive. we cannot be together ... i know it... bcuz this paradoxical life i lead will not allow anything like that to happen. this goes the same to all possible relationships of mine

ok .... i am tooo lazy to name the rest already.... 2 feels long enough for me already.....

this pain is killing me.

Monday, October 20, 2008

it is just so lonely... madness and loneliness. the loneliness i created and the madness i fabricated... faith called it identity crisis ... i cannot help but agree ... although i want to deny that given my pride...dorcas...you SOOOOOOOO want to help ... but you just do not know what to do... but to me, you actions does not matter to be already... you started it and so is will end with me. XQ thanks for worrying...i am just sick of being lonely... because i cannot commit... because if what kind of guy i chose to make myself be ... i make everyone cannot stand me ... love me and hate me ... folks it is your choice to tell me... i am more that willing to hear your words. for they will mean something. but i am just not sure how much. because i do not really care now... try changing me and my thinking... and just to entertain myself so that very little ppl will do that, i will only listen to those who wil want to be my gf... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

this pain is killing me.

i was out for 14 hours in the end sia... reach home at 5+ and immediately sleep le... yawns ... still sleepy... lol... dmw sia..(dead man walking)

this pain is killing me.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

living this nonsense of life really suck. hey folks. i am gonna commit suicide this year i think. haha. that is y i say it does not matter anymore.the last party. it does not matter. i will put most of the things in place b4 i go...

this pain is killing me.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

wack arh... wacking is so fun... haha... just now wack jy head... sure brightens up my mood haha... nothing much to say... teaching tuition now ... haha... yes ... teaching now... student suck anyway...gonna stop after this month le... tell the grand ma le... haha... and she agrees to it too.................... XDDDDDD.... can go home early now ....

this pain is killing me.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop

this pain is killing me.

victims/them

place tip of knife into [x]


Best Buddies

joseph

Sisters

dorcas larissa

Wssians

vinson jing xiang justine felicia gwen jeremy datou yongxin yenting yixin pearlyn jieying christina Sherlyn
timo

POGians

faith deborah peace esther graham vivian

others

tomato nachos miao shan pancy xiuqin ruiqi anne

stabbed/us

Tagboard

trauma/him

all about the tortured
everything, about , you
#1 someone
#2 ppl who cares
#3 ppl who needs to be cared
#4 ppl who needs to be cared and is even better at caring
#5 blue
#1 myself
#2 lame buggers
#3 idiots who act more than they need to
#4 the pain of the unwise choice i made
#5 to be ignored

history/written

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

June 2007

February 2008

April 2008

May 2008

June 2008

July 2008

August 2008

September 2008

October 2008

November 2008

December 2008

January 2009

February 2009

March 2009

April 2009

June 2009

August 2009

June 2012

You Are a Pessimist

If things are going good, you can always imagine how they will turn for the worse. And when things do happen to be bad, life is like a dark pit you can't crawl out of. One bad moment can ruin your day, and you think one bad week can ruin your life. Things are much better than they seem. Just take time to see everything that's going right.

Are You An Optimist or Pessimist?

What Your Name Says About You

Your name says that you are mostly: Unconventional but unstable Your name also says you are: Brilliant but obsessive Talented but unmotivated Glamorous but snobby

What Does Your Name Say About You?

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

pills/credits

Credits should be left here