i just wanna ask... is it worth it talking to the dead?
this pain is killing me.
this pain is killing me.
this blog no longer has visitors rite?
this pain is killing me.
in my mind. i see me... but i look again... the me you know the nice guy . behind it ... there is another me... when i am with no one, i am that me. when i am talking to someone. i am the me you know.the me i do not show... the evil side of me. the one that holds the pains in my heart. the one that usually do the thinking. the nice guy side of me. i do not use it to do much of thinking. the evil side of me. i think of probabilities, the odds, and many things that give me the best position. calculated risk, best profit, better to fail or pass, is it worth it? i keep doing that. now it is too late for me to change for i have already forgotten how. or at least the ability to do that is no longer able to be done. because all these actions are already set in motion where all actions are calculated. where all possible situation have been considered. where what others can think of have already been thought of. counter measures, preventive measures and all other ideas, i have considered and isolated myself from it so that they do not affect me in anyway. but every man's heart has a loophole. provoke me if you want. just try making me come out of my comfort zone. i wont stop you. because nothing will change even if you do. because i deem it so... but you can still try... hahah ...
this pain is killing me.
interesting thought... i was looking through my stuff.. then saw my game boy color ... yes COLOR... since it is years since i touched it ... i went to see if it works... and it still does... hmm... 8 years already... time sure flies... 8 years fly by so fast... i had it since pri 4 and now it still works.... haha ...
this pain is killing me.
endless stories i have told. countless built on lies and made of lies.... so many of half truth and white lies... the mind is such a fragile thing. so easy to change so easy to corrupt. so easy to manipulate. my mind is such as a tool. used to create things it was not made for.. now it falls . towards the endless chasm that i have made. now it is my turn to change the things. so that when i am gone... it will all be fine... remember ... hate me... for my hating me... my departure would not have hurt as much... so that i will live in you heart... for hate is the easiest to get into someone and hard to leave... so hate me ... this is my last resort afterall.
this pain is killing me.
i am doing a little bit of spam... yea... hahah ... gimme a good story... gimme a good book.... i cant live without story books... i give myself a obsession ... i can last with a obsession... but fuel my obsession... i am running out of books...
this pain is killing me.
jie .... so many times i want to talk to you but so many times you are going to your hubby's place... want to talk to you but you are so happy... you are happy... but you do not know that i am suffering at that very moment... i have to smile at you to show you to not spoil you mood ... you know... that sucks... i want to be comforted only to know you are not even worried and in a good mood instead... it hurts... baka... TT_TT i had to comport you even when i wanted to be comforted... i am a good bro but you are not a good jie... i am struggling to have you like this... grow up plz...
this pain is killing me.
doctors are useless u say...i do not want to argue with Daniel.seeing the doctors is pointless. that is what you say. have have you seen what is the whole point in seeing doctors for these conditions?it is not cure. it is elevation of the problem. it does not solve. but it helps. it help.. but even so. those that know what i can do and might do, i will do it. you may think i am lying but i am not. i made that choice that many months back... faith... faith... you were the only one i remembered replying with concern. maybe because you were the only one i really cared much about. i do not really care now about that anyway. because i have my plans already. just a while more only to go. in this world, i am not much trusted by the ppl i know. or at least, not trusted by those people i want to be trusted by. it sucks .... not much of friend from the same age i can relate to. i belong to everywhere but in reality i am no where. i make parties, friends, ppl to laugh with. but none will remember but a a friend that made a good laugh. i distanced myself now, look at me. i have lost what i have wanted. i no longer have what i want. my stupidity have turned me into a almost useless person now. it is a sad fate that i gave myself. the fate that i show myself. not looking at my own beautiful world i truly live in. i can see my world . i know i am lying to myself. i can SEE it. i know it. because i asked and have been ask at myself, have you not seen how nice the world is around you? i am turning a blind eye to the world after all. i do not really care . i have my own reasons. some of you know what is the reasons.i do not care. i chose to let its end come the way you see it. what that will come to pas will come to pass... agony's best cure is release after all. what i seek will come in time. at the time i want according to the way i want. because i already made my choice. Come and find me in my death
this pain is killing me.
yawns... how many of you are reading this... sadly... you ppl wont understand y i am doing this... yea... cuz you are not me... because i overburdened myself with my thoughts and that was my downfall the moment i stop thinking i slip into a depressed state of mind. when thinking i slip into a alert state and respond to stimuli... the emotions... i am no longer me ... or at least ... the me that you know already.. i can still laugh like i used to... make jokes like i used to... but that is just muscle memory... i no longer think about those stuff already... because my mind is hardly there now... the only time i am thinking is when i am doing this... in lesson? not even when the topic interest me... i forget them the moment i let go of that thought... i am not lasting long enough now a days... it sucks...i rather die than slip into a even worse state....
this pain is killing me.
social norm... i rejected social norm... it restricted me... i could not do many things... because i could not do things properly... i bring fear right? your are afraid right? just by reading my post right? i am tried already.... i am done with it... i am sick of it... i have become a scavenger... a survivor that does not belong here... something is wrong with me... and i belief i made it too late to help myself... and also made it very hard for others to change me... tell me a way to change myself then... lets see if i have done that before... if i have not .... then there maybe still hope..
this pain is killing me.
a rude awakening ... you can call it like that... sadly... i have already chosen this path... i dun thing i can get out of this chain of thought... unless someone takes action... like she did one in the past where i raged at her instead over it. i wonder... will she do it again... if she does.. there there will be hope... but she ... mostly likely wont... so much for scars in the mind that changes people even when they do not notice it... and by the time they notice it ... it will be all over...
this pain is killing me.
i swear i will commit suicide... try changing it... not faith ... not dorcas ... not mei yu... notjolynn ... not jie ... nor mercy(due to daniel){hahah}... i bear grudge...... i like control... i cant let go of my pride... remember... never let darkness control your heart... not even let the thought come to you. for even the very thought counts...i am kind and yet i am evil... the very contradicting thing about me that is...a kind demon... haha... .. a long story afterall... or at least... i make it a long story in my mind...
this pain is killing me.
new addition to the family? mei yu... haha
this pain is killing me.
i have my stories to tell. many things i want to say. but the path i chose is something i chose a long time ago... i seem normal... i am trying to make everyone hate me now... a must.... so that i can live and be free. it may hurt but i have to do it... because the path i chose is best left is solitude.being alone is something i have to be. ... hmmm a break~ met sherlyn at lib ... pon school mah...
this pain is killing me.
it will be done soon... it will be over soon.... just give me a while longer...
this pain is killing me.
it is the time of the dying... come find me... for the time is coming nearer and near....
this pain is killing me.
mercy, here is wat u want, i am too lazy to mail it. answer those questions
anyone is allowed to answer to them.
Killing is a way to live. The bible had many killers, the times where god kills and not convert, the holy wars, persecutions of sinners and the death of people because he cannot stand the sight of them. Y did he allow such a thing as killing occur?
If he is justice, is genocide an option to show that? (Noah’s ark)
If he created only 1 man and woman and no other, where did his sons’ wives come from? Even more creations of his?
If he made only Jews, where did all the none Jews come from, imitations of gods creation by the devil?
if god really allowed the devil to do that, why?
Adam and eve sin because god did not watch them when it happened. If he is omnipresent and omnipotent, then how did he not see them sin?
If he was not watching, was it because there are more than one world that he observe?
Are we just one of his other play toys?
If he really want to save us, how many does he want to save?
How big is heaven?
If he wants people to be in heaven, how many?
Since the time of Adam, more than trillions of trillions of people have been saved and still counting. when does he want to stop?
What is the day of the coming?
The number 666, is found to be better said as 616 in the bible, many source have proven that. and that is useless as a prophecy. Why do people still believe in it now and think that it will come what is is already long over?
If there were to be another world, god’s words will be debunked. And if it really is, wont god be fake and everyone has been living a lie?
If there is no Christianity, the world will not function as well. Which will be the dominating religion?
Christianity is not the answer, god is. Does that mean all religion points to god?
If all religion points to god, wont we be just going into a being called truth?
What will it be like if there is just truth and no god and truth is harsh/ evil?
Is killing a sin? Then killing sinners makes u a sinner too? But god will forgive right? How many times will he forgive? If he is merciful, killing would not even occur. But why does he allow that? Because we are the ones making the mistake? Because we will sin? Then y create those sinners in the 1st place? Then why allow the root of evil to exist in the 1st place? Because he believes that they will be given salvation in time?
Why is it that god made beings that can hurt us when he wants us to do well?
What happens to man who are blinded by worldly matters and possession?
When 3 or more are gathered in the name of god is the place where churches stand. It is something simple but why is that people demand more and more of mundane things that they call as a need?
If the devil’s influence is strong, how much of the world is influenced?
this pain is killing me.
i am hungry for some human meat. i am hungry for it. thirsty for blood. i can imagine it. my body is squirming for it. i feel like tattooing my face. tribal. i am turning into a demon. hateful and prideful. changing everything about me and moving things to my will. the ability to corrupt is coming out already. a thing called sublime persuasion. i am doing that. it will some soon. my end that it ... the ending that i chose so long ago... meet me pls... everyone ... for it will be here soon. i want it to end ... this year.
this pain is killing me.
| You Are a Pessimist |
 And when things do happen to be bad, life is like a dark pit you can't crawl out of. One bad moment can ruin your day, and you think one bad week can ruin your life. Things are much better than they seem. Just take time to see everything that's going right. |
| What Your Name Says About You |
 Unconventional but unstable Your name also says you are: Brilliant but obsessive Talented but unmotivated Glamorous but snobby |
| Your Famous Last Words Will Be: |
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