take my pain away

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

erratic behavior. signs of mental regression. i need my anchors... or i may really lose myself. i have already lost much of myself these few day. ever since that jolt of pain that made me feel so giddy and feel as if i am hemorrhaging i my head. memories are tricking away... i am now rotting away in very much sense. studies does not matter anymore. nothing really matters now. given that i cannot remember what i am doing, so detached and no longer there just like a puppet .i am losing my will to live... i am losing my reason to live... i am losing my everything. i need my assurance ... i am already losing my empathy . my ability to care for others. i need my company to tell me i am here... for given the current me, i dun feel anything already. i am supposed to smile now, i am supposed to laugh now. i have to tell myself to do those things now. because i cannot feel them anymore.i dun feel a thing already. and as for y i want so many gfs... because they wont last... my mind is too far gone to even make conversations last already. everyone starts to call me weird... different from last time. but i cant help to change it. i lack the will to do that already. i already lost the will to live... how can i have the will still to change myself.... people cannot comprehend what i do. i cannot blame them. dun worry ... i will start to server ties. just who should i start with?


dorcas ... how i wish u are reading this... but i know you are not... because you never come here... you have not... only during the time i tell you to then you come. you are worried but do not know what to do... just dun do a thing. it will be easier... i am already to far gone.

faith... haha ... you dun come online even... how will you even read this that i am gonna type over here... you know i like you ... and i still do... y? cuz if i let go of that thought, i will lose that anchor of my life that keeps me alive. we cannot be together ... i know it... bcuz this paradoxical life i lead will not allow anything like that to happen. this goes the same to all possible relationships of mine

ok .... i am tooo lazy to name the rest already.... 2 feels long enough for me already.....

5:23 PM

this pain is killing me.



Monday, October 20, 2008

it is just so lonely... madness and loneliness. the loneliness i created and the madness i fabricated... faith called it identity crisis ... i cannot help but agree ... although i want to deny that given my pride...dorcas...you SOOOOOOOO want to help ... but you just do not know what to do... but to me, you actions does not matter to be already... you started it and so is will end with me. XQ thanks for worrying...i am just sick of being lonely... because i cannot commit... because if what kind of guy i chose to make myself be ... i make everyone cannot stand me ... love me and hate me ... folks it is your choice to tell me... i am more that willing to hear your words. for they will mean something. but i am just not sure how much. because i do not really care now... try changing me and my thinking... and just to entertain myself so that very little ppl will do that, i will only listen to those who wil want to be my gf... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

7:09 PM

this pain is killing me.



i was out for 14 hours in the end sia... reach home at 5+ and immediately sleep le... yawns ... still sleepy... lol... dmw sia..(dead man walking)

11:35 AM

this pain is killing me.



Tuesday, October 14, 2008

living this nonsense of life really suck. hey folks. i am gonna commit suicide this year i think. haha. that is y i say it does not matter anymore.the last party. it does not matter. i will put most of the things in place b4 i go...

11:47 AM

this pain is killing me.



Thursday, October 9, 2008

wack arh... wacking is so fun... haha... just now wack jy head... sure brightens up my mood haha... nothing much to say... teaching tuition now ... haha... yes ... teaching now... student suck anyway...gonna stop after this month le... tell the grand ma le... haha... and she agrees to it too.................... XDDDDDD.... can go home early now ....

9:22 PM

this pain is killing me.



Tuesday, October 7, 2008

full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop full stop

2:32 AM

this pain is killing me.



Sunday, October 5, 2008

PAIN IS INEVITABLE. SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL.
Therefore, take pain for pleasure(the price is madness). It will lighten up your load.
Another boring day has passed again...........
Nothing fruitful, nothing gained.
Played games the whole day. Really wasted day. No gains only losses today. Somebody should know why if that person understood what she asked me had done to me. Sadly, I do not feel anything anymore. Everyone in my life now exist to entertain me ...
Still remember someone's birthday that I went to, I got her a cake. I was holding it and there were other around me looking at her. we were teasing her. Everyone wanted to joke with her by pretending to want to push her head into my cake. I was amused by it but i won't push her head into it. I like her. It hurt when she said I would smash it in her face.(do i really have that cheeky look all the time?) It was supposed to be a good mood for everyone. so I did not tell her until we all left by a sms.

10:58 PM

this pain is killing me.



Saturday, October 4, 2008









this is just so fun to read if you know what is this is about

3:05 AM

this pain is killing me.



i will try i will try i will really really try... i will try my best ... to achieve it before my end ... for my little hope and salvation before i turn insane ... love begets hate hate begets even more hate... and all i do and have done ... is create more hate... the wrong that i create... i am sinning again... the wrong kind of sins... sins in the mind... it is a little lucky.... that person is not reading this... she is too busy working ... they are too busy with their stuff ... they will not know it... i hide it very well... those close to me.... they do not know of here... they do not know what i am going through ... to those reading this... it is getting sinister rite? i hope this is temporary... i do not like this feeling either....

3:04 AM

this pain is killing me.



Thursday, October 2, 2008

damn...
my madness is now coming sooner and sooner.... at least once every2-3 days now... make me a mindless drone plz... i want to end my suffering... or at least... keep my mind of those thoughts ... those thoughts that is coming more and more often... i am no long who those people think i am anymore... i am not even myself anymore when i am alone... i am ... changing too fast... the change i feared when i took this path of darkness ... the darkness that gave me life and a reason to live ... i need my reason ... my insanity is really catching on me ... soon ... dun worry... i will post up soon... my story ... on how it all became like this now... by what actions did it cause it to be like this... but soon ... i dunno how soon... i may not even have the time to post this anymore... it is getting harder and harder... just to live already... hais...cuz i do not know how to let go... i can forgive ... i can forget... but not able to let go... i will die... unless i let go... and the thing is ... the thing i have to let go... is what that gave me life and motivation... and many things that i cannot remember anymore... haha... i may want to go party wif u ppl... but it seems like i will not make it anymore ... i dun think i can anymore... haha... plans ... are useless now... they are useless to me now... a tat bit too late to make anymore changes already... too late... please listen to the song ... hate me by blue october ... thank you for the memories....

6:38 PM

this pain is killing me.